Invisible Monster Update

A while back I posted here about the "invisible monster" of anxiety and depression, and my use of  theta wave isochronic tones to try to reduce it. I promised an update back then, so here it is. 

Originally, I had planned to use the use the tones regularly, then take a break to see if the positive effects lingered. As it happened, I couldn't take a break for very long, as the anxiety levels would start creeping up again. I also experimented with many of the different types of theta wave tones available. Some of them make very pleasant listening, but for my own anxiety reduction effects, I still haven't found any better than the ones posted in the linked entry. YMMV.

Despite these not being brainwave frequencies, I also experimented with tones from the solfeggio scale. Even though any scientific evidence of these being beneficial is suspect in the extreme, I've personally felt that some musical tones can have positive effects. 417 Hz is a very comforting sound to me, though 528 Hz seems to be most popular. Regardless, this method didn't help and actually was starting to make things worse. I kept at it for a while, because I really wanted it to work, but eventually couldn't deny the detrimental effects. I found Buddhist and Hindu mantras to be more helpful than these. Again, YMMV.

What I did find to be extremely effective - and gives a huge boost to any calming or anti-depressant effects of the tones - is combining another form of media with the sounds. There are a lot of  videos on youtube that combine tones with visuals or music, but I found creating my own version to be much preferable. Here's how I made it work: 

I'd play the tones with headphones, through a phone or tablet. Using the television in my bedroom, I'd select either a piece of music that had only pleasant associations for me, or video that I'd found particularly calming, pleasant or had especially good memories attached to it. The aim here was to keep my mood elevated and thoughts focused while in the meditative state and not have them veer off into some grim or frightening territory. With depression and anxiety, the thoughts are already trained to go in that direction, so it was important for me to counteract that.

With music, the volume on the television didn't need to be especially loud, just enough to hear it behind the tones. For some reason, this tended to work better than the tones that were already embedded in music. Not sure why - maybe it was simply down to the music being a personal choice.

With video, the one I find most helpful has a particular hypnotic effect. It's a section of a playthrough from a video game I once enjoyed, called Rollaway (or Kula World, or Kula Quest.) I don't play a lot of video games, but this one I recall being unusually happy playing way back in the day. Given what I know now, this makes perfect sense -  imagining a ball rolling away from you while you're standing still is an excellent hypnotic technique. (Go ahead, close you eyes and imagine it right now!). 

Here's the video, for reference: 

The music in this section of the game is also one of my favorites (Hiro, by Twice A Man). With this video, I don't even bother to lower the volume, as the ringing sounds of  the collected coins and keys, along with the music, strike me as both calming and upbeat. The combination of visuals and tones in this case create a more lasting positive effect. 

There are a few others that I've been working with, too. I suppose ultimately it comes down to which ones give you the effect you want. 

So, my assessment today, having done this for a period of several months, is that these techniques have been more or less effective, at least for me, and none of them (save the solfeggio tones) have been detrimental. None have actually made my condition worse. Of course, my condition at the start was pretty damn bad, so this is not saying that I'm anywhere near "normal" for an average, non-depressed person yet. I still hold out hope, though.

Using my blog posting habits as a measure, I've been able to post more than in a long time. This is significant, because it's something that has to be planned, constructed and time being made to actually write something, as well as the power of concentration needed to do so - and it does create some amount of guilt for me because it feels more like "playing" than any kind of work. The fact that I've been able to do it shows improvement, I think. 

The invisible monster is not defeated yet, but the battle continues.

Fighting The Invisible Monster

Possibly the worst thing about my anxiety/depression  is what I call "the horrors". It might be more accurate to call them "the terrors", but the horrors, with its shades of  Heart Of Darkness and Apocalypse Now, has always felt more appropriate.

The feeling may be best summed up in an image. The Scream might be the most famous example, but what really comes to mind is a drawing, ubiquitous in old horror comics - the face of the hapless victim, pouring with sweat, eyes wide upon finally seeing the monster that's been hunting them for the last couple of pages. I know that feeling, intimately and horribly. For me, though, is what seems like the ultimate unfunny joke - the monster is invisible.

This has been the most frustrating thing for my loved ones, I think - seeing a person frozen in blind terror at something that can't be seen, heard or otherwise perceived. It's frustrating for me, too. This is not something I'd signed up for, this nameless, faceless, free-ranging annihilation anxiety that's beaten my quality of life to a pulp. It's not something easily understood by people who haven't been there. Trying to explain this miserable internal state is fairly pointless, and not something I do well. Indeed, I hate writing about it at all. It makes me nervous.

The only reason I mention it today is because I have found what seems to be a little relief, and I want to write it down, make some catalogue of minor success. I've tried many things over the years, but aside from taking a particular SSRI  (which worked all right until it gave me OCD and chronic sleep-paralysis) and a combination of COQ10, barley grass powder and yoga (which worked like a charm throughout the summer of 2002, before running out of steam), most things haven't made enough headway to make them worth noting.

I'd tried binaural beats with some small success, but when I came across  isochronic tones, I felt my response was much stronger. About 6 weeks ago, I started listening to theta wave isochronic tones while sleeping, or even just sitting quietly, and noticed my anxiety was much less prominent afterward.
It's this one in particular I've been using while meditating or sitting quietly:

And this for sleep:

I've tried the Alpha, Gamma and Delta wave tones also and find Gamma and Theta to have the most positive effects. For me, anyway. While Alpha  is touted as a most beneficial type of brainwave, and I do find visualizing comes more easily while listening to the tones, I've found that my depressed feelings and despairing thoughts increase afterward. Delta has its own set of weird effects, which may be down to my peculiar brain chemistry. Whatever the case, my anxiety - though not gone - is reduced and I haven't had a real attack of The Horrors since beginning. Because of this I've been able to leave the house 4 times under my own power, organized my closet, made a Halloween costume and have turned in several blog posts in the last 6 weeks, after promising myself that I would do so -  which is sort of like climbing a mountain would be for a normal person. At this point, even if it's far from ideal or even average, I consider this a great improvement.

I'm going to stick with this pattern for another two weeks, then take a break and see if the reduction in anxiety continues. I've read that an overabundance of theta brain waves can lead to depression, but given that my depression and anxiety seem to be hideously intertwined, I'm grateful for a relief in at least one of those things. The fact is, I can't do much to help my depression when I'm frozen in terror. Or horror. Whatever.

Meditation is supposed to be an excellent tool to deal with anxiety, but lets's face it, I'm far from being an enlightened monk who can find inner peace amidst the constant, grinding fear. This might be meditation the easy way, tinned and ready for consumption, but between that and never getting better, I'm going to take it. The effects seem to be quite similar anyway. It's not so much fighting the invisible monster as dissolving it - like the koans say.

I will write an update at some time in the future. Meanwhile, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this could be a drug-free remedy for The Horrors at last.