Celestial Clockwork (or): Waiting Around for Grace, cont'd

Well, (she said, to the empty air) you can't have thought I'd forgotten, for the heart is persistent, down to its last agonized beat.

I don't know if this will make any sense. Maybe it will only make sense to the ones who need it.

I wrote the linked post quoted above back in September 2021, after a particularly haunting sort of day, the kind where absence feels as solid as presence should be, and loneliness is so sharp you can almost trace the outline of what is missing from your life. 

The title was from a song that was stuck in my head at the time, called Waiting Around for Grace, about which I'd privately mused that "Grace", aside from a desired state of being, might as well have been a dear friend you'd once arranged to meet at a certain time and place, who never arrives because she'd died long ago. (A feeling not unfamiliar to me - my best friend has been gone 20 years now.)

It was a significant day, spiritually at least, and aside from the post named above, I had continued to write and ponder on it for a long time. I'd always expected to finish this related piece called "Celestial Clockwork" when I figured out what it all meant, but 4 years later, I don't suppose I am any closer to knowing, so I guess I'm just going to post it today. 

This is what I wrote, back in 2021: 

Celestial Clockwork

 The restlessness started in mid-afternoon. It wasn't uncomfortable, exactly, but unfamiliar. Like craving food while having no appetite. 

The sense of needing something gnawed at me, though what it could be was not clear. I ran through all the possibilities in my head, all the things a person might conceivably need, but nothing came up a match. 

I went outside to where my husband sat under a tree, partly to consult him, but mostly because I couldn't stay still. "I need something, but don't know what, " I said. "Do you ever feel that way?" He looked up into the branches, thinking for a moment. 

"No, never."

Trying another tactic, I asked "well, what do you need, then?"

"Chinese food." he said.

Okay, we could do that, at least. Get the keys and go. You know how it is with these things. When you don't know what you're looking for, you might find it anywhere.

...

The restaurant seems out of place in the market plaza; the curling manes of the stone lions not in keeping with the stark façade. Like a few things I've come upon in my travels, these lions do not want to be photographed. It's simply not possible to get them both in the frame. I gave up trying long ago. What's the use of having the yin without the yang?

Inside is a darkened maze of wooden booths and bamboo screens. It's very quiet. The servers dart about soundlessly. In the center of the maze, the buffet tables are steaming. There is something slightly surreal in this, I think, the bright shimmer in the dim room. Visible heat. Strange how a sense of unreality can creep into most mundane of scenes. The transmutation of the unseen into the seen.

My husband has positioned himself at the end of one of the tables, and while I know he's just waiting for the General Tso's chicken, there's something about the sight that puts me in the mind of a chess piece awaiting the next move. In turn I position myself near the cauldrons of soup, another chess piece, if a less imposing one. In the stillness, I can feel a clock ticking both inside and outside. Above me, I notice, the ceiling is painted like the evening sky. 

Outside the restaurant it is silent. Amid the oblique geometry of the forecourt, the breeze moves in angular bursts. Pigeon feathers hover and swirl before drifting away. It's still summer, and hot, but the air has a trace of melancholy, the end of the season in a tourist town. We take our food and head home, and somehow things seem different, even though it's not clear what has changed. There is a vague sense of a far-off glimmer. Perhaps some unseen satellite ascending.

....

I don't know from astrology; I only know I like charts and glyphs. It's a comfort to me, mapping the arcane. Planets transit the houses, the moon changes its phase, a stranger on the street turns to catch your eye. Who can say what it means? I just like to think about it. 

Anyway, it helps with the restlessness, which has begun to metamorphize into an uncomfortable prickling, the feel of a cheap wool sweater on a hot day. The clock is ticking, I can feel it now that it has come into my awareness, though it must have always been there. What it is counting down to is a mystery. Perhaps some enigmatic matter of fate, which I can sense now like magnetic north or the pull of the ocean across the plain. 

This might be an unlikely claim from someone like me, but sometimes there is no point in asking why. Every so often, things just are, and you won't get anywhere pretending otherwise. I meditate for an hour, surfing relentless waves of inner itch, but all that happens is wanting to shed my body like a dry lizard skin. So, lacking any other solution, I mentally track the planets through their whorl of nebulous destiny. I don't believe for one moment that, say, Venus transiting the 7th house has an actual, physical pull on anything, but I know - the way one knows these things - that recurring patterns in the chaos are a signal. Cosmic tarot. Symbol plus placement plus synchronicity. 

It's Saturday, the 11th of September 2021, and aside from the internal ticking of the clock, there is no sound but the echo of blowing leaves.

At home, I skim the edges of the yard, looking for a place to land. It's easier to think outdoors, and there is much to ponder. The ticking of that clock, for one thing. Why do I suddenly feel as if I'm one of those number slide puzzles with the tiles slightly out of order? That I need to figure out what to shift before the clock winds down? It must have been just after 6:30 when I settled down in an out of the way corner behind the house. No one would be likely to find me there. My restless heart ached for peace, among other things. It seemed I was supposed to do something, and there is nothing worse for an aching heart than to feel there is some unknown move you should make to resolve the pain. 

I sat there in the dusty heat and tried to clear my mind. Somewhere up above I was dimly aware of planetary gears. I was conceived in September and born in June; there has always been something autumnal inside me, a wistfulness, an animal-like alertness to incipient change. I felt it keenly at the moment the clock went silent. A dust devil rose from the ground like a phantasm, present only briefly but portentous all the same. Somehow, I knew - at that moment, like a weight falling - that the first part of my life and its purpose were over. Whatever signal I had been sending like a determined firefly had gone out into the aether, and now there was nothing to do but to wait for a signal in return before moving forward to the next.

....

And that (having never become clear on her purpose) was all she wrote. 

Not that there was no more to the story, you understand - there was so much more to the story, so many layers, and loops, and walking one careful foot in front of the other down what seemed like a fateful and fated road that somehow instead came to a dead end. 

Yet, the feeling remains. The sense of absent presence, a third energy, a golden thread, an intangible field on which unseen action is meant to play out. My life has changed completely - sometimes serendipitously, sometimes forcibly pummeled into a new shape - from the way it was in 2021. But where this journey goes or why, I have even less of a clue now than I did then. 

As for Grace, I'm no longer waiting for her arrival. I accept that she isn't coming after all. Even the Chinese restaurant with the curly-maned lions is long gone, and the Texas hill country is far in the distance. I had a heart attack last year, and now my agonized old heart beats more erratically than ever.

Even so - for the moment, though - it still persists. 

The picture at the top of this post was taken as a somewhat mocking nod to that very same linked piece, outside a florist in Detroit one night in the autumn of 2023. Perhaps you can tell by my pained smile, that - despite the signage - grace was not exactly forthcoming for me at that time. 

The Mystic Eye

Still watches over me. Thank heavens.

Destinata

image source

Sometimes, no matter how much you would rather it be otherwise, the Fates are insistent that something unpleasant is in store. You can try to bargain, or plead, or witch your way out, but the Fates are having none of it. In that case - forewarned being forearmed and all that - you can hope  that it comes quickly and that things will be better when it's done.

If you are really lucky, in spite of obstinate Fate, you'll have a goddess at your shoulder to push you out of the way. To peek at the other players' cards when life seems like a game.

I'm really lucky.

Thank the Goddess.

Witch's Market

Last night we went to the Witch's Market. I had my fortune told. Normally, I don't go to professional readers as I can do it myself for free, but this reader had such a warm and friendly aura that I decided to give it a try.

 Attika K. Bast, tarot reader

She used a Thoth deck to do a past, present and future reading, as well as a pendulum forecast as part of the bargain. The cards are the kind I've been drawing in my own readings, though being Thoth, having somewhat more intensity.

The card representing the past was balance - meaning, she said, that a situation that had long been unbalanced had recently come into balance, allowing me to move forward. (True). Present was Lust, the Thoth's version of Strength - though connoting more of an energy and passion. She interpreted this as currently trying to find the thing I was passionate about, a purpose in life. (Also true - I've mentioned this a few times recently on this very blog.) And then there's the future card - Indolence, reversed. Uh-oh.

Indolence is the 8 of cups, though of course much more grim. An almost fatal laziness leading to hopeless disappointment. My card was reversed, though, so she said it was a toss-up whether I would give in to the hopelessness and fatigue or fight against it despite the enormity of the struggle.

Being that depression, anxiety, fatigue and lack of confidence are profound influences in my life, this was also a likely truth. Not one I'm proud of, but one I have to face all the same.

We used the pendulum part of the reading to expand upon this question posed by the final card. Despite the tricky bits of the reading, we ended on a good note.*

Afterward we talked a little shop - always nice (and a relief, really) to do with another experienced tarot reader - and then I went on my way.

My family did a bit of shopping among the vendors, as well. Beeswax candles for protection and to invoke the Green Man, fancy handmade soaps with herbs and spices. Not pictured are my husband's "sexy man" scent blend and teen son's magical lip balm. We all smelled AMAZING on the way home, let me tell you.

Also I bought a corset. No, there is nothing particularly magical about a corset, but it was there and I've been wanting one. For my posture, you understand.

It was a fun night with a good atmosphere and we hope to return soon.

*I know very well this is a classic part of the fortune teller's game - you never  never, never let a client leave a reading with a bad taste in their mouths. You never let them leave without some sort of hope - to do so is irresponsible. We both knew that was a crappy card, and she helped me find solutions around it like a good reader should. 

The Twelvetide Fortune-Telling Method

There is an old legend that says your dreams on the twelve days of Christmas foretell what will happen to you in the twelve months of the coming year. At the suggestion of Liza Frank on twitter, some of us have written down our dreams of the last twelve nights. Here are mine.

(Sorry it's a bit long. It couldn't be helped. I dream a lot. )

Dream, December 25th -
Something about ballerinas, then talk of gravity. Some sort of test was happening on the moon. A fog. An illustration I recall from a childhood book about anxiety, saying "what if the moon falls?" Then back to gravity when I think, "what if death is like falling 150,000 stories?"

This was alarming enough to jolt me out of sleep.

As a prediction for January, it's interesting, because China has just landed a probe on the dark side of the moon. No word yet about the moon falling or my plunging 150,000 stories to my death. I'm  really hoping this part isn't accurate at all.

Dream, December 26th -
Down at the river - not the one nearby, some other, unknown river - I find a packet of hair color. Without much consideration or forethought, I decide to try it. It turns my hair a strange shade of amber, which for some reason elderly men find irresistibly attractive. My husband, however, is embarrassed to be seen with me.

There was more to this dream but it's vague, something about cliff faces and river valleys and some plan of Trump's that doesn't work.

Prediction for February - avoid hair experimentation at all costs, as it will only lead to trouble. Also, Trump will probably make some plan that doesn't work.

Dream, December 27th -
I'm invited to the meeting of a book club in Los Angeles, but it turns out it's a book club for nudists and I'm the only one wearing clothes.  At first I'm like, "FFS, all these naked people" but then there's an earthquake and I'm trapped in the building with them. And they're naked. It's all very awkward.

Prediction for March: God only knows. Something about seeing people's vulnerability? Being trapped in a situation where I have to confront my own awkward feelings? The book we were meant to be discussing was about military strategy, I think, so that just makes it even more confusing.

Dream, December 28th -
My son and I are walking down the road when we meet our new mail carrier, James "Bobo" Faye from Finding Bigfoot. He greets us very cheerfully and hands us each a copy of Reader's Digest.

Later, I'm wandering around a resort or conference center when I come across former US. Labor Secretary Robert Reich in one of the rooms. He tells me, much to my surprise, that he's secretly been in love with me for years.

Prediction for April: I haven't the foggiest idea what mail carrier Bobo could represent, but my son interprets it as meaning that I will be given something by a person I know, but who doesn't know me.

Robert Reich possibly represents finding some meaningful labor or purpose in life that has always been there, but without my realizing an aptitude for it yet.

Dream, December 29th-
There is a carnival in a town somewhere, nothing elaborate, rather small and cheap. I don't recall entering a raffle there, but I'm told I've won and will receive two prizes. The first prize is a silver monstrance with a leaf design. The second prize is a very old and rare recording of Berber music from Morocco. I'm ushered into a room full of rare and valuable music to claim my prize, and I'm amazed by the beauty and quality of the artwork there.

Prediction for May:
This one is tricky. Perhaps something that seems unprepossessing will turn out to have important spiritual or cultural value. Perhaps something valuable will be gained by sheer luck or chance.

Dream, December 30th -
In waking life, there are two arched gateways in my town that are several miles apart. In my dream, however, these gateways have become two sides of the same gate, as if the distance between them has disappeared. It's a little eerie, as if this suddenly appearing shortcut violates the laws of physics. Nevertheless, I pass through it on my way somewhere. I find a small shop where I ask for a cup of hot tea. They say they don't have any, but I tell them they do, they just don't realize it. I find the tea and get my drink for free.

Prediction for June:  This may foretell a move. As for the tea - it could mean something unexpected will be found, but then again I can't overlook the fact that my name begins with the letter T. Finding myself, perhaps? Well, one can hope.

Dream, December 31st-
Wandering through a museum with Albert Einstein. There was a flute on display, and I say to Einstein, "I never could have played the flute, too many notes above the staff."

(This is true, as I always struggled with reading those treble clef notes in piano lessons, but I hadn't thought about it in many, many years. )

Prediction for July: Pretty stymied by this one. Something to do with math problems? Musical notation may be more like a language, but I did struggle with sheet music as if it were numbers. Why else would I have been talking to Albert Einstein, of all people?

I'm not too keen on this theory, really, so here's hoping this means there will be some new discovery about the physics of sound instead.

Dream, January 1st -
Floating dream. I was floating on a giant frisbee-type craft, out of my back yard and heading northeast. Suddenly I discover a walled estate I hadn't even known was there. I drop in for a look. It turns out to belong to Richard Branson. I float away on my frisbee again (not wanting to get caught trespassing) and observe some creepy farmhouses. These farmhouses are unsettling so I make my way to a pretty town, where I nosed around until some lady turned up and was very annoyed at my snooping.

Prediction for August: this was more of a quasi-OBE type experience than a regular dream, so not sure it counts. There was a hint of something troubling behind it, though, so if it means anything, it might be a forewarning of problems in that month.

Dream, January 2nd -
Only vague, shadowy dreams this night, nothing my memory could hold.

Prediction for September: heck if I know. Total mystery.

Dream, January 3rd -
A series of dressing rooms or changing rooms as if in a clothing store, with velvet curtains on rings. I was trying on various clothes, but there were no mirrors so I couldn't see how they looked. This place reminded me of my mother's old shop (which was a bakery, not a clothing store, so that was odd.)

Dream ended when I was woken by the doorbell, which hadn't really rung, according to other people in the house. Strictly a dream doorbell.

Prediction for October: trying to make changes or improvements to the self or surroundings, but perhaps not having the self-awareness to judge how well it's working.

Dream, January 4th -
It began in a muddle about traffic, which I think was just clearing out the stresses of the day. It then resolved into the dream of the burning coal I wrote about here, which was so haunting I thought it deserved a post of its own. To reiterate-

"last night I dreamed of a man who had a young girl who worked for him. Each night he had her carry a burning coal from one room to another in a little silver box. She did as she was told, but what she didn't know was that this was part of a love spell he was casting on her, and therefore she was helping to cast a spell on herself."

This dream ended when I was woken by the dream doorbell again. Second time in as many days. I wonder if this happens because the dream is moving into an area the psyche does not want to deal with.

Prediction for November: beware of seduction, or having your strength used against you. No matter how appealing it sounds or how dutiful you might be.

Dream, January 5th -
A certain member of a message board I'm on had hidden his posts throughout the forums in treasure-hunt style, leaving clues as to where to find the next one. (I'm assuming the search function in this dream was very poor indeed.) The final post was actually outside the message board, in this sort of cyber-reality we had to break though to find it.

The point was to leave a reply, proving your bravery and cleverness at having found it, but when I got there, I found I was simply too tired to care.

Nearby, I found one of those hide-a-key thingies that looks like a rock, which was much more interesting. Inside were many keys of all shapes and sizes. A few were gold, but most were silver. There was something exciting and hopeful about this find. Notably, this is the third appearance of silver in these twelvetide dreams.

Prediction for December - Given that this particular person is an aggressive flirt, I take it as another warning about seduction, and also to avoid being drawn into psychological games. The appearance of the keys might mean understanding or gaining access to something previously closed to me.

Dream, January 6th.
At a tropical beach resort with my family. We're eating coconuts and living the life, when suddenly a figure in a black leather coat runs by, unnoticed by many. It's the ninth Doctor, as played by Christopher Eccleston. This is a surprise. He asks me for directions to the exit, then thanks me and keeps running. I think, well, if the Doctor is here, you know something hugely important must be happening. At the same time, I had no doubt that the Doctor would take care of it.

Prediction for January: no idea, but it was comforting dream. The knowledge that someone would come along and save us all.

...

So that's that, and I'll be keeping one gimlet eye on this post throughout the year to see how it plays out.

Charmed Life

Divination is something I've been interested in as long as I can remember. Not that I believe that the future is set in stone - far from it, actually - but the methods used are fascinating.

Since I don't believe in a predetermined future or fate (in most cases), one may wonder why I have such an encompassing urge to go around reading arcane signs and symbols everywhere. But that's the answer, isn't it? Because they are arcane symbols. Not only are they beyond language, but often go where our conscious minds can barely reach. They tell us what's in the hidden parts of our psyche, the things we already know without knowing.

It's a bit like throwing dust into the wind. It makes the the invisible visible.

Given this, it's only  natural that I prefer forms of divination that employ meaningful symbols. Tea leaves and tarot are probably the best known of these, but charm casting falls into this category, too. In some ways it's even more so, as one can choose whatever charm seems personally relevant to represent a situation.

For instance, a bird charm can symbolize happiness to one person, industriousness to another and gossip to someone else. The important thing is to know what each charm means to you, specially. No good getting meanings out of a book, unless you happen to be in complete agreement with the book.

If you're anything like me, you're always collecting odds and ends and shiny things. Potential charms might turn up in the bottom of your pockets. your jewelry box or your junk drawer (unless you're one of those crazy neat freaks who doesn't have one). The best charms are the ones that come serendipitously, just when you need them. Some of the charms I use were found, some were given to me, a few I made myself - not very well, but good enough to get the message across.

Charms can be cast and read whatever way you like, but my preferred way is to make a basic (and in the example below, a very bad) sketch of the astrological houses. I don't bother with the more detailed meanings of the houses here, just a truncated version that tells me what's going on where.

(Seriously, what was going on with my ability to draw a circle here? I blame the cheap chalk and the rough paving stone. :p)

 After giving the charms a good shake and tossing them into the circle, we read where they fall.

So what of this fortune? Well, first of all, the charms representing the evil eye and jealousy are not in play, so that's a hopeful sign. Second, the 8th and 9th houses are empty, so death, taxes, sex, philosophy and religion are pretty much not happening right now. On the other hand, luck, spirituality, stability and secrecy/privacy are in the 1st house, the house of self. Longevity, personal power and information are in the house of material possessions. I suppose that means "hang in there, things will get better"?

Memory, energy and protection are in the third house - that's communication, so that makes sense too, but betrayal is in the 4th house (that little green thing is a coiled snake, by the way) and that's not so good - even though I know who it is. Gossip is in the 5th house, with deception just creeping in, but peace is there, too. This also makes perfect sense, for reasons better left unsaid (since I don't want to add gossip to gossip) and theft is nearly in the 5th house, but - mercifully - in the center of the circle, so I don't consider it to be a factor at this time.

Love, marriage and social life are in the 6th house, representing health and physical labor (too true) and transformation and money are in the house of marriage and partnerships. This could mean my husband will be paid for his work (*update* yes!) but that's also the house of enemies. Let's hope it's the former.

The female figure and the deer are in the 10th house, status, and it's anyone's guess what that means. My status is of  a woman who is shy and vulnerable? That I'm a woman who protects the vulnerable? Or that I'm simply a woman with a lot of deer visiting her yard? Well, all of these could be true, but the meaning is not clear. This is the only one that has me a little worried because it is hard to read.

The house charm is in the 11th house, community and groups, and since we are still considering moving to a new community, that fits as well. That's also the house of ambition and goals, and since that little pink house technically represents my "dream house" (literally a house I dreamed of, here ) that's also appropriate.

The 12 house, the unconscious, contains the symbol representing the world at large and the one representing attack or aggression. Well, one only has to open the newspaper to see the world is in some kind of crazy flux at the moment, that a raging undercurrent of something is at work. The collective unconscious must be in a right state about now. But the attack, aggression - whether that's something else in the undercurrent or something more personal remains to be seen. The 12th house is also the house of hidden enemies, so time to be on guard. Let's hope there are no other foes coming out of the woodwork

So, in essence, this fortune could be read as, cheer up, things could be worse. Also, beware of snakes and gossips. Well, that's good advice for anyone. ;)

...

How ever these charms fell and however accurate they may be, do I think that this is the work of an invisible hand? Not very likely. (Not saying it's entirely out of the question, just that it's not likely). No, I think what I'm looking at are the inner workings of my own mind. Those things, thoughts, ideas, and perceptions bubbling away unawares, potentially bursting into reality for good or ill. 

If you think about it, the idea isn't that much stranger than the concept of unseen forces intervening in our lives, which is a common belief worldwide. The universe is mysterious but so is the mind. The mind, I believe, is about as mysterious as anything could be. And I do love a mystery.

Especially when it's got a great plot.:)

Scanning The Far Horizon

Or at least the horizon of July, 2016.

As this is a time of potential changes for my family, I thought I'd break out the trusty Russian Gypsy Fortune Telling Cards and see what's ahead for the month. There had already been a few good omens (several  synchronicities, a crane flying overhead while I prayed to Quan Yin) and the Chinese fortune sticks had also given a pleasant forecast, whatever way we choose to go. I was curious as to what these cards would say.

For posterity, here is the reading, in short version:

Apple, second position - a pleasant unexpected occurrence, a present.

Clover, second position - happiness, slightly clouded by a misunderstanding.

Handshake, first position - a strong friendship will support you your entire life.

Lily, first position - a happy life full of meaning.

Branches, fourth position - tears, an offense.

Pig, first position - purely a happy and prosperous year.

Anchor, third position- disillusionment with the ideal, doubts.

Bear, third position - you will get you want, though not in the immediate future.

Final card, synthesis -
Crayfish, fourth position - too much haste often defeats the business.
Scales, third position - if you maintain your balance, you will come out whole from a predicament.
Fisher King, fourth position - in a difficult moment, you won't sink but will rise to the surface.
House, third position - beware of people surrounding you.

Final card, final outcome-
Crayfish - having made too bold a step, you will back off.
Scales - in your fate, good will outweigh evil
Fisher King - fortune, especially on the sea.
House - you will enjoy success in all affairs.

All in all, I was quite pleased with this reading. It went along very well with the others, and while a couple of cards were less than fabulous, they make perfect sense in context of the situation.

I do have to wonder if it means that we will put off our changes for a little while, until the time is just right. But there's this feeling that the choice will be ours to make, either way.

Who knows what will happen? But as of this moment, that's the lay of the land.


Yes, I know the fish card is not officially named the "fisher king" but that's what we call him and it's a lucky tradition these days.

Tarot For The Week

Tarot reading for the week of September 24-30 2011

Covers - the five of swords

Crosses - the ace of swords

Beneath - The magician

Tthe influence just passing away - 9 of pentacles reversed

Crowning - The knight of swords

Before - The sun

What I'm feeling - the king of cups.

What others see - The heirophant reversed.

What I wish - The six of swords

Final outcome - The emperor reversed.

Upon first reading, the main thrust seems to be that I can fritter away my energy on petty squabbles and pointless worries, or direct the energy into positive action. There is a chance for both according to these cards, but the final card indicates that I may come up against authority and pressure to conform and so end up too weak to channel it properly. Whatever the case, we shall see next week.

Update - October1st 2011

As much as I tried to avoid the feelings of defeat indicated by the five of swords and escape the battle wounds indicated by the reversed emperor, the tension was much too much and the end of the week has been a difficult time. I do feel significant pressure to conform and do the right thing but often fail at doing just that. Alas.